The Counselor (2013)

Runtime: 117 min(HBO On-Demand)

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 34%

Lifetime Box Office Gross: $16.9M Domestic, $54M Foreign

Budget: $25M

My Score (NEW): 1/11


Wow this was a doozy. Do you have a friend who thinks they are really smart and always speaks in self-important, Sphinx-like riddling monologues? No, of course you don't because people like that don't exist outside of this movie. I don't want to spend too much time on this movie because it already wasted way more of mine than I wanted so I'm going bullet points. Coincidentally, I was wishing for a bullet at some points during this movie. I would like to point out that I am watching all of these movies from start to finish, no matter how much I hate the movie. This movie came the closest to forcing me to break that rule. If it wasn't for a snow-day, I might have broken. Anyway, on to the bullets.

  • The cast in this movie is phenomenal. That is what makes it so maddening. It's like buying a beautifully ornate diamond chess set, and then playing goddamn checkers with it.
  • Javier Bardem looks like a drugged out Hispanic Guy Fieri in this movie
  • Plot? If you didn't see it, then your guess is still as good as mine. Something about drugs getting stolen?
  • I wrote "What is going on?" like four times.
  • 117 minutes! This was way too long.
  • Cameron Diaz has sex with a car. Not a typo. Here is a picture, and Bardem's lines describing it, courtesy of Vulture.com

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"So she goes around and climbs up on the hood of the Ferrari. And holds her dress up around her waist and spreads herself across the windshield in front of me. With no panties on. And she's got this Brazilian wax job. Don't, don't even think I'm making this up – you can't make this up. She was a dancer, so she does this full split, and then she starts running herself up and down on the glass, and she leans down, to see if I'm watching right now, as if I'm sitting there reading my email. And kisses me upside down and then she tells me this: I'm gonna come. I thought, well I'm losing my fucking mind, that's what's happening here. Really it was like one of those, one of those catfish things, you know, one of those bottom feeders you see going up the way of the aquarium sucking its way up the glass (makes popping sound with his mouth) Really it was ... hallucinatory. You see a thing like that, it changes you."

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TRIVIA:

I found no trivia about this movie interesting enough that I would pass along.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

I have added a new feature to the top of the blogs. I will give a rating between 1 and 11 (why not 11?) because I received feedback that this is something readers would find helpful.